So long and thanks for all the fish.

Thanks Thom

New idea coming soon. New blog. New focus. New future.

4 thoughts

Here's some quick things I'm thinking.

1. Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails were my high school tunes. They bring back good and bad memories but always are comforting.

2. Raw almonds are tasty

3. Work is getting busy so any thoughts of days off are over.

4. I really need a good beer.

I'm a failure

I guess you get what you deserve. I deserve my car to not start, underpaid job, condo assessments, and general unhappiness. I'm a failure.

4 thoughts

1. I hate this thought but I maybe forced into buying a new car. Or at least leasing. I'm not sure what to do but I can't really put out the money to fix it but the trade in value helps the cost come down.

2. I'm shopping for Legos. That's all.

3. I'm working on a playlist of my 100 favorite songs. It was a challenge I was given and after thinking about it I'll do it. There are two stipulations; nothing before the year I was born & nothing released in the last 3 years.

4. I'm trying to figure things out. Every box I open reveals more shit. Where did all this come from?

4 thoughts

I'm going back to this. 4 quick thoughts most mornings

1. Apple fans are nuts. Wow they freak out over things. I like my fruit products but yikes

2. I suggest you hear Father John Misty because it is great.

3. Lots of hail last night and lies of windows busted out. I'm thankful it wasn't our but sad for a few friends.

4. Why didn't I take glass blowing in college? Damn it looks cool and I would rather do that then what I am doing.

Quiet

Since no one reads this anymore I'm going to confess something. I'm not going to contact anyone on anything unless they contact me first. No iMessage. No email. No twitter. No tumblr. Let's see who cares.

Reading this

I know no one does anymore. I feel like I'm constantly bothering people online. I always feel like I can tell the person I'm talking to is rolling their eyes and hating me for saying something. I thought I had best friends but as years have gone by I realize I have none anymore. I'm alone. I'm not happy but at least now I know that everyone is pretending to be my friend to be nice.

Lost

I’m mentally aware more now that I am lost. I’ve let myself become a shell. I’m hollow, a void, yet another nothing that I always wanted. There is this unfillable gap. I have only a few emotions left; mostly they are here, there, buried, and unsure. Music is no longer bringing me joy. The shows are empty, the theater dark. I’ve successfully buried everything. I’ve tried so hard to be dead inside, now I think I am. I’m going to purge Facebook viciously this weekend. I have the second account still but it is empty like me. You won’t miss anything as there is nothing left. I’ve given everything I can. What do I do now? Where do I go?

Into the void …

...and the circuits run dry

this was written in 2002 and edited over the last few weeks. 


i began to feel it
    the feeling you felt
the waters ran flush
    the life giving sources


you never understood your pain
   i wanted to be your shoulder
cry on this night till
   we see the light together


i started to own it
   the moment you needed
clicks and beeps of time
   counting down your minutes


you could always tell me
    i am here forever, you rock
hold this pain in me, release
    clean the circuits, iron the wrinkles


i have never forgotten
   how you grew stronger
and the circuits run dry
   you found your strength


at long last, without me
   i couldn't be more happy

Head up

I'm trying to keep my head up. I'm trying to not let this sickness destroy me. I'm trying to keep my spirits going. I just need to find my music that helps.

Restarting

I need to focus some more in life. I'm planning a small vacation to the ozarks, a little afraid of the area though. I'm not sure what to do or see but I'm going to the new museum that Walmart built. Any thoughts out there?

spiritual? maybe. maybe not.

i am going to try this again. really. i am focusing in on one thing. music. f your grammar...here we go

so one of the greatest emotional connections i have is with music. in many forms and type the tunes, hymns, canticles, symphonies, and entries make their way into my brain. i don't know when it started but at some point i realized a deep connection to music that was spiritual. i have gotten the same feeling from being in the mountains, out canoeing in the lakes and woods of my youth, and sitting on the shore of the baltic sea looking at the sunset.

one of the first songs i remember really hitting me hard was "round here" by counting crows. something about the phrasing spoke to somewhere inside me. i don't know how because i can't relate to the story but i can feel the story. adam's voice entered my ears and still this many years afterward i know the lyrics and the emotions come back. i've walked on a beach and sat looking out at the ocean listening to this song.  this wasn't the only song but it was my first.

one last song that seemed to invade my world like no other was ryan adams' "come pick me up." this reminds me of a relationship that went bad. things soured when she cheated then i cheated and we just grew mean. she kept fucking up my world and even when we broke up she haunted me. she invaded me and ripped me apart. i am never sure where things went wrong. i am never sure why everything fell apart but when i heard this it was in the middle of this whole "amy" was just another face. she became the focus of everything that is wrong in the world. yet she would call me. she would find me and i'd give in. i was her puppet. we'd get high and then thing would tumble. my friends didn't know. she was dating another guy and i started playing with men in seriousness. on some level we spent 3 or 4 years going back and forth throughout college.

i don't know where to go next. any thoughts on what i should be writing about please put them in comments section. if you still read this let me know. please all feed back is welcome.

fried brownies

fried brownies, originally uploaded by Super Bjorn.