Guide to Men, All women must read.

Ok, me and bjorn have left this place. I mainly myspace it now. But here is a recenty entry to my myspace. It is deserving of this place.

Ok, this is for you ladies. I'm going to clear up a few things about boys and men, especially in relation to females.

There are two fundamentally true things about all males.
1. We are idiots. We do not take hints. We do not understand. You can climb in our laps, grab our hands and give us big flirty eyes...and will we still not pick up on the fact that you like us. We cannot take a clue. We will not guess something is wrong. When you want a guy to know something, you just have to come out and tell him. When you say nothing is wrong..we usually believe you, and when we don't, we pretend we do because it is easier than trying to figure out what is wrong, which we will never do. If you say "if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you" don't expect us to ever figure it out, we won't.

2. We are all perverts at heart, but some of us can control it.Even the sweetest and nicest of guys are dirty perverts. Males can really be defined in two ways. A guy who can control himself, and a guy who can't. The guy out there hitting on everything, being a jerk just can't control himself. The sweet and innocent gentlemen thinks the same things the jerk thinks, he is just able to control himself. A Man, not a boy, will cut off his own balls before acting on some of the dirty things that go on in his head. These dirty perverted thoughts are out of his control, they just jump in there, the only thing we can do is attempt to suppress them or not act on them.

Now, a few simple truths

1. We are not at all complicated. Woman over think us and make us seem complicated. We like you or we don't. We want this or that. If we say we want or like something, then we do.

2. Yes, every male you have ever met has thought about sleeping with you, or some other dirty thought, even most of the gay ones. Doesn't mean anything, just something we do.

3. When we go out, anything you wear is fine...really...we like it all. (someone else said this one)

4. When we go on a date, we don't really care where we go or what we do, we just care that we're there with you (as long as it doesn't challenge our manhood. Only men who are very secure with themselves will do things like the ballet...or men who really really really really love you.)

5. We fall in love faster, and take longer to get over you (statistical fact)

6. If we didn't call you, it's just because we forgot. We probably got distracted by a shiny object.

7. Anything will give us a hard on. This is not in our control. It doesn't mean we like you, or are turned on. It just does it, occasionally just because it's bored. And there is nothing we can do about it.

8. We don't care about breast sizes as much as you would think. I personally like them small. Most men agree that big are nice to look at while clothed, but there is really nothing you can do with them. Also, most women with huge boobs have a huge rest of them to go with them, which most men don't like, though some do.

9. A woman of any shape and size can be super attractive to any man if she holds herself proper. For instance, at my current work everyone dresses in costume. There are some larger women there. They were old colonial dresses and look super hot. The hold themselves proper and the dresses give them awesome curves. I go wow. After work the change into small tank tops and tight jeans and they look disgusting. Wear what works for you, not what is trendy. Also, those short frilly skirts look good on NO ONE, no matter how hot. Almost every guy ever will agree on this, but ladies just don't get it.

10. When watching TV, we don't like to talk. If you try to talk to us, we will fade out and not pay attention. If you want to talk, turn off the TV or wait till commercial.

11. If a guy says something nice, he's not just saying to get in your pants. This is sometimes true, but not always. Woman always think we are trying to get in their pants, when sometimes we are just trying to be nice. Be logical about this. I said some nice things to a girl recently, she asked if I was just trying to get into her pants...I wasn't, she should have been able to guess that seeing as we live about 3,000 miles away from each other.

12. We don't like complicated.

13. Women with issues are fine, just don't make us have to sort them out for you. We will be here for support, but if you've got issues, you've got to be able to deal with them, and not while exploding at us because you can't.

14. If you don't want us to fix it, don't' tell us about it. Your girlfriends are there to listen. When you tell us something, we want to fix it, its how guys work, with woman and other guys.

15. Yes, we must be competitive. I don't' know why...but we are. EVERYTHING is a competition. Just don't take it personal, we don't.

16. If we lose an argument and say your right, it's almost always just because we don't feel like arguing anymore. It is almost impossible to win an argument with a female, whether right or wrong. We find it easier just to say "yes ma'am."

17. Yes, we do check out other women. That doesn't mean we don't find you attractive. It's just what we do.

18. Yes, we glance at your boobs when we're talking to you. We can't help it, and we don't mean to. It just happens.

19. When you walk away, we are checking you out. We know you do the same thing.

20. We don't know what cellulite is, and we don't care. If you don't point it out, we won't notice it. Really, we won't. Even after you point it out, we don't' really care.

21. If we love you, we will think you are the hottest woman we've ever laid eyes upon.

22. If we say something that could be interpreted as mean or nice, we meant it the nice way.

23. We will never ever make an honest comment about how you look except for calling you beautiful and wonderful. If we said anything else, you would kill us. If we said...you are the most beautiful girl ever, but I really don't like those jeans on you...we fear our balls would be instantly cut off.

24. Our balls are very very precious to us. You can only kick them if your life is in danger, or if you are about to be raped. There is absolutely no other reason. Kicking us in the balls is like killing an old lonely ladies cat. It's just wrong.

25. We don't know what we are doing, and if things get complicated, we will mess it up. We have no idea what we are doing. If you leave it up to us, we're both screwed.

26. When you tell us not to call, or that you can't date us right now. We believe you. Don't expect us to call you, or ask you out if you say that. Except in a few cases, where you really really don't want us to call or date you, then we will call and keep asking you out. We never get it right. We always do the opposite of what we should.

27. We don't' always want sex. Sometimes curling up and watching a good movie is the best thing in the world (though a few guys fear that...if your guy fears it...you might want to consider running away, he's got bigger issues.

28. Nice guys do finish last. You will always date the jerk, and the nice guy who is there for you gets the shaft. That is why we are sometimes purposely jerks. We will be jerks to you, because if we were nice, you'd leave us. Listen to "Vast - Pretty when you cry" for a better understanding of this.


29. We consider crying to be blackmail

30. You can put the toilet seat down, it's easy, and you're a big girl. We will however always put it back down, even though we think it's pointless, just to be nice to you.

31. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

32. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

33. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

34. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.


35. Males and femals can be friends. One of my best friends is Jessica. I would never ever date her or anything like that, yet we are still friends. I have several female friends like this. Most guys do. It's pretty easy. It's hard to like each other, decide not to date, then be friends. But that is also possible, just more akward.

36....I thought of another good one....but forgot it.
This also illustrates a good point.

37. Ok, remembered it. Another fact. When thinking about the possibility of a relationship. Women imagine kissing a guy to see if they like him, men imagine sleeping with a girl. This one is a little more general, but usually (not always) true.

Ok, enough for now.

Ladies, let me know if you need any more clarification, or if you have any specific questions. Ask ANY question and I'll answer it honestly.

1 comment:

j*net said...