Walking down campus, she walks past, I walk over out of my way with a la de de la la la and a grin. Smile and give the "hi how are you crap" She's running late...I use it as an excuse to get out and go. Puts me in a horribly fowl mood, and I've been in nothing but a wonderful mood for weeks. The fact that I was so happy and nice was half of what put me in the fowl mood.
Seeing her for just one second usually puts me in a wonderful euphoric and fuzzy mood that I just can't shake for days, but today for the first time it pissed me off to no end. Doing some stuff on campus...walking back, there she is again across the street at the street light. She tries to make goofy faces, I try not to look too pissed or look at her at all really. Cross when the light turns, she stays on the other side with a friend, don't know if she's waiting for me to cross, or if she's going somewhere else or something. I cross, she smiles, I look pissed of, give a bit of a grumbled hey and keep walking. I saw a flash of something in her eye when I walked by, I suppose a realization that I was pissed and was just gonna walk by, which I never do. And I always have this stupid goofy grin on when I see her. But not this time.
There has always been a part of me that has loved her, and a part that hated her (or maybe hated the situation) But the love part always took control of everything, and outweighed everything, by far far far. But today for the first time it didn't. The love is hidden away, hurt, abused. It's still there, and still remembered, but it has no hope at all, and sees no light. So in it's shrivled, torn and weak state, the hate wins out. Putting me in the horrible mood I am now in.
Recently wrote her a very brief e-mail, just a "wondering about you, how are things, good I hope?"No response.
They say you shouldn't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about. But I think there was this day last week when I didn't think about her. Though it may have been a year since she's even really thought about me at all.
Is she afraid of something? Does she just not want anything to do with me (well...obviously she doesn't) Is it fear, hate, apathy? Does she just not care anymore. Did she never care...I don't think that was possible. I could always see in her eyes...that I couldn't possibly want to be anywhere else, or with anyone else, ever (at the moments we were in those brief moments. I remember one time in particular...I can see her eyes then. It was in the eyes. Now....I don't see them, and when I do...I can't read them. They hide from me.
So now...do I give up...which I pretty much have already done. Decided awhile ago to give up. But I haven't really let go. So do I just say screw it and force myself to never think about her again? Do I say, oh well, I'll just remember the good times and forget the rest. Do I give one last call, one last chance. A...look..this changes or it ends now forever (though she never answers the phone or returns my calls...so might not be possible) When I first was going to give up, was just going to leave some flowers on the door, and a little note saying goodbye, unless you don't want me to say goodbye type of thing. Maybe I should still do that. Maybe I should call and yell, or leave a pissed off message saying go to hell.
The perfect situation...she'd call...say, I want you in my life again. But that's not going to happen. All hope is gone. I do know though that I dont' want to feel such hatred when I see her. I want nothing but love in my heart for her, and nothing but happiness for her. She could probably easily be happy, but won't let herself it seems.
Sigh...what to do.
Maybe I'll just send her a link to this. Or maybe I should just think about how I should really not still be thinking about her. She just has that kinda hold on me. Probably pretty pathetic of me.
Oh well
J
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